Was filled with performance anxiety.
Would I live up to expectations?
Could I refuse ?
What if I failed?
Would I be judged?
Would it be painful?
Would the equations change forever?
How to admit it was my first time- would he laugh or would he understand?
Many had done it before me, a lot will do it after me. It was common enough. A part of life. And Amma had told me not to worry. My father (who is my rock) the more practical one had encouraged me to take the plunge, giving me the man's perspective !
Why was I being so diffident, so difficult on myself.
You know what? I did well. And I did it twice- so no fluke there. And I intend to do it again if required.
Night outs from Anushka - done it twice and I did not brood ( at least not too much). It was not too painful once I got immersed in work and she did not forget me.
If anything the equation has got stronger. And no no none laughed, not anyone in my family or at work- they distracted me enough not be worried and Amma's presence at home with Anush, was of course the most reassuring thing.